Wrestling with God

I am hesitant to even write about it because I know the tendency will be to forget or choose not to heed what I've heard, but here goes...

A couple of nights ago I "wrestled with God." Perhaps you've been there. I couldn't sleep, my mind was going a hundred miles an hour. I was kind of having a pity-party with myself; it was late, I was emotional, tired, thinking way too much. FINALLY, I started talking to God about it all and then... He started talking back. Clearly and in a way I could not ignore, with promptings I could not ignore.

His main message to me? STOP PUTTING SO MUCH ENERGY, TIME, THOUGHT, AND EMOTION INTO LOOKING BEHIND YOU AND FIGHTING AGAINST THINGS THAT ARE OUT OF YOUR CONTROL IN THE PRESENT.

In essence, He told me that I had been wasting time and energy because I have been dwelling way too much on what used to be, getting upset about what might be happening with things that are beyond my control, and experiencing major frustration that I cannot have what I want right now.

"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference!"

In a moment I realized that I had spent a whole lot of time worrying and crying over things that cannot be changed. Holding on to people, places and things that are now in my past.

Now, I don't think the time I've spent doing that - going through the grieving process - has been in vain because it was something I needed to work through to be healthy on the other side (as with any "death", grieving needs to take place to be healthy and it can be a long and even ugly process) but God clearly told me that particular phase of grieving is over. And I needed to be done with it. NOW. Not next week, not next month. Now was the time to let it go. And so, we wrestled a bit... you know, just for an hour or two into the wee hours of the night, until I finally conceded.

I cannot even explain the difference in perspective I have. From one day to the next. From one hour to the next, my whole outlook on life is different. My perspective has shifted and I have focus. Seriously, it was a God-moment. A God-thing. Wonderful.

I started out the post by saying I was hesitant to write about it because I know human nature well enough... no, I know MYSELF well enough to know that I very well may take the whole thing back. The anxiety, the "worry", the wishing, the wondering... In fact, I've had to remind myself already a couple of times that I've given it up and given it over. As soon as I remind myself, the temptation to return to my old ordeal flees from me. The experience and interaction I had with my Heavenly Father the other night was so real and so personal I cannot help but know for sure what I was instructed to do. What a burden has been lifted!

Letting go of these things does not mean that I have to let go of the friendships or the memories or the future relationships with the Salem people that I love. It is more of a mindset that I am adopting in the present. Enjoying the friendships I have from there... but not obsessing over them. This is freedom for me people. This is healthy. This is good!

In other news - yesterday was wonderful. For the FIRST TIME since I've moved here (well, except when Salem friends have visited) I went to a kids play place NOT alone, but with other ladies and felt a part of things. It was just an hour and a half, although Naomi and I did head to Kent Station following and do some shopping together with the kids in the rain. But for that hour and a half I had girlfriend conversation while the kids played. With interruptions of course, for we all had kids there. But it was sooo great! And, I feel like I connected with a couple of ladies better than I have to date. Then last night we ended up staying at small group until almost ten. When we were officially done we just sat and talked and I had a great conversation with one of the ladies for close to a 1/2 hour. It was just a good day (perhaps the best so far since we've moved here) in regards to social interaction. Thank you Lord.

He is showing Himself faithful once again. Not that I'm surprised. The fact that He is faithful has kept me afloat these past few months.

Time to watch a movie now before heading to bed.

With joy on the journey...

--Betsy