Three Lines of Thought

FINALLY. I found someone that understands and has affirmed that "it's OK how and what you're feeling and going through."

But first, I don't know how to narrow down what I want to write about tonight. I have too many thoughts!

1. Thoughts that have been percolating in my head for weeks now, confirmed first by a comment in Pastor Mike's sermon and now again in this morning's DROP'S post.

2. A friend who now does "Ten on Tuesdays" on her blog. Ten random things about whatever that you post every Tuesday, bullet-point style. Fun, or what!?

3. More thoughts on our move from Salem and how I'm coping, inspired and affirmed by my Breaking Free study.

Maybe I'll touch on all three, but first I have to start with Keiton's prayer tonight at dinner.

"Dear Jesus, thank you for my friends and for my family. And I pray that mommy and daddy don't fall and break their heads or their necks so that I don't see mommy and daddys blood all over. Aaamen!" I'll tell ya, never a dull moment here. Even at prayer time!

A great day today. Bible study this morning (it was fantastic and meaningful), followed by listening in to a phone interview that Layth had that went very well (they're scheduling an on-site interview now), followed by some reading and even a short nap. Get up and clean, someone else calls for Layth to schedule a phone interview for tomorrow morning, I get an email inviting me to a play-date (OK, it's for our whole MoPS table, but I'll take it!), make dinner and then "Family night". The boys have been BEGGING to go to the Bouncy House place in the mall since they first laid eyes on it two months ago. Finally tonight we went. They played hard for two hours while Layth and I sat and played cards, talked and read some. A McD's icecream on the way home and now I'm here blogging. A nice pace.

OK, on with my issues.

I think I'll start with #3 first. My move from Salem.

Beth Moore in her Breaking Free study on the day of "Hearts Broken by Loss" after listing a bunch of losses she went through including death of someone close to her, the loss of a 7-year foster son of theirs, two of her best friends moving away and more says this:

"Many emotions have swept over me during the last two years, but if you asked which emotion served as the common denominator, I would not hesitate to say grief. In fact, I was somewhat taken aback over the feelings of grief accompanying the moving of my two best fiends. The grieving seemed out of place to me in relation to my other losses yet oddly unavoidable."

Then the question for the reader to answer was this:

"What about you? Have you ever experienced feelings of grief that surprised you or almost seemed inappropriate through a change in jobs, homes, health or relationships?"

YES! YES! YES! This is EXACTLY how I've felt the last several months since the move. Like the grief I've felt at moving (largely due to leaving the SNG Group) has been "inappropriate". I mean, I moved NEAR family! Who wouldn't want that? What in the world do I have to complain about or be missing?! So, I've felt guilty as I've been dealing with my grief, totally surprised by the magnitude of it and confused at the struggle. I knew I would be sad about leaving and have to give it some time, but never did I think I would literally go through the grieving process. FINALLY, Beth affirmed me. She goes on, right after the question above to say, "God finally opened my eyes to see that grief was not inappropriate. Each of my experiences represented a kind of death." Yup.

And then I could totally relate to her when she's talking about her two friends leaving. She says "With the departure of my two best friends I experienced the death of instant camaraderie, of expected company at many events, of relationships I had known for many years and of pure togetherness. Best friendships with long histories are not easy to replace."
I would add to this... the departure of small "seemingly" insignificant things like quick phone calls for clarification on something said earlier or to ask for a recipe or to confirm a time or date; of spontaneous get-togethers; of sharing small details of our lives and partaking in the daily grind together. The departure of feeling needed and like I was contributing to a relationship whether it was watching kids, being a listening ear, or making a meal. The departure of all the little things that make close friendships; real-life friendships what they are.

So many things that are a loss that merit grieving! And, it's OK! Yes, my getting over leaving has been a bigger deal than I ever thought it would be but I have found this to be true. As Beth writes "Anything that breaks the heart is a legitimate reason for seeking the healing only Christ can bring." And, He is bringing healing. I feel it. I know it. I've leaned on him for fellowship, camaraderie and emotional support in the last few months like I haven't done in years. He's been my Only friend and sound-board more times than I can count recently. And, He's healing my heart and I'm learning that there is life after the loss. Just as Mary and Martha went through two days of the intense grief of losing their brother before Jesus came and brought new life, so right now, I am going through some grief. But Jesus is meeting me where I am and HE is bringing new life. It doesn't look the same as it did in Salem. My life has changed. Things are different; they never will be the same. But "I have the invitation from Christ to rise to a new life - a more compassionate life, a wiser life, a more productive life. And yes, even a better life." (Beth Moore, again!). I still don't have "friends" here per se, but I am experiencing joys. There is life, because He is the Resurrection and the Life! What hope He brings!


Next, Ten on Tuesdays (I need a break from heavy thinking and writing).

1.- Layth had an interview today that went well. They said they would contact him about an on-site interview. It's in Seattle. Good pay and from what he has researched a good place to work. The job is a good fit for him as well.

2. -Layth has another phone-interview tomorrow morning. This time with a place in Portland. He's really excited about this possibility because the company is rated as one of the top 10 companies to work for in the country.

3. -Soren is reading like crazy now. I started him on more complex books today at quiet time and tonight he read one of the chapters to Keiton.

4. -I am going on a play-date with some ladies from MoPS on Thursday morning. Yaa!

5. -The burner on my stove has finally been replaced. I now have TWO burners that work. Very good news around here.

6. -We had a great weekend in Ellensburg this past weekend. Lots of rest and good food.

7. -I made blueberry boy-bait. OH MY GOODNESS, is it good! A DEFINITE recipe keeper. Wow, that was good stuff. (notice I said "was").

8. -I am feeling inspired to start scrapbooking again. I'm thinking online scrapbooking. We'll see if it goes anywhere.

9. -My life. It's not very exciting. I cannot even think of 10 things to say!

10. -I've decided that blogging is good therapy for me. Thoughts that I have in my head are written down as I work through them resulting in concrete ideas. That's good.



And now, onto #1 on my list up top. I've got scattered thoughts about this one, so I hope I can pull my thoughts into a coherent stream of words.

Blogs. I'm writing one so obviously I am not totally anti-blog, BUT... I have found that for myself many of them do more harm than good. In fact, I read VERY few blogs anymore. Only the closest of friends.

I've been thinking now for weeks about this. Blogs can portray anything the author wants the blog to portray. A perfect home. Perfect kids. Perfect spirituality. Perfect wife or perfect husband... And, even though some may post about the "imperfections" they still manage an aura of perfection when all is said and done. How? They blog only about stories that are complete with a happy ending. They blog after the fact about whatever WAS/USED TO BE imperfect. They begin with "this morning I got up and it started as a terrible day," or "my house was so messy I could barely function," or "my kids did it again" but then they go on to relate the rest of the story that ends with their attitude totally turning around and them having the best day ever because they had some epiphany, or they learned some great spiritual analogy through their messy house as they cleaned, or their kids, even though they started out disobeying or whatever finally realized what they were doing and apologized to mommy and to God. The stories are all wrapped up with a nice, red, shiny bow leaving the reader with a good feeling because whatever mess the author started out in turned out OK after all. In fact, the author learned and grew from it, even. And usually as the reader we are at the same time left feeling inadequate because of the messes we are in that are not turning out so well; our life continues to be about imperfections and there are no shiny red bows.

We never step into the MIDDLE of one of these struggles. And the struggles that are portrayed more times than not, are finally admitted too or written about AFTER the struggle has been conquered. And so what do I do as a reader of these blogs? Compare. And, maybe that's my own issue. But, I get tired of the deception that can come through blogs. Not that the authors are meaning to deceive and yes, I have definitely been inspired through some that I've read, but every-day REAL LIFE is generally not wrapped up in a bow with a happy ending. Some stories are, but those are only the ones we ever hear about.

Which is kind of why I blog like I do. No happy ending. My story is a journey. My struggles are real and I face them every day; day in and day out, day in and day out. I am not victorious over nearly as many issues as the ones I continue to struggle with.

Pastor Mike, in his sermon a couple of weeks ago said something to the effect of, "even though we are more connected than EVER before in history through media outlets such as facebook, twitter, text-messaging, etc we do not feel more significant because we can share with everyone what is going in our lives; we feel more insignificant than ever." Well, sure! Because daily I see on facebook the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect cook, the perfect friend, the perfect kids, the perfect... EVERYTHING. that I am not!

See, no red bow on this one, either. Although after writing now I've got more thoughts that have popped up, but they are not developed at all so I'll have to think of them and maybe write about this subject again later.

One disclaimer: Blogs with a purpose are great. Drops for example; wonderful! Recipe blogs that post recipes; great stuff. I like those.

It's just the "everyday people" ones that only have happy endings no matter the beginning struggle that I have a hard time with. Right now... I'm not going to say that my perspective won't and can't change on this matter.

OK. I think that's enough for tonight. I'm exhausted. And, this has been the longest blog post ever I think.

Goodnight to you all.

Traveling life's journey in the grip of His grace,
--Betsy