A conflict of the heart

I read my post from yesterday and it is all over the place! Very indicative of my life right now, actually. I just have so many thoughts going through my head and some of them are in direct opposition to each other and I'm not sure where I should land. Like today I've been thinking this: I love Salem and the real community we have there. I don't know of any other group that has something like we have, but... I live here now. So, my question to myself is this: do I "hang on" to that group as in, try to be part of the community there in how much I share my heart or how much I am involved in conversation and little stories and tid-bits here and there that make up a special community like that, or do I stop doing that because I live here? Does that make sense? I'm not sure which way to land. Part of me says "hang on... what you have there is rare and you can make it work long-term". And, another part of me says "let go Betsy. Just let go. You can't keep it up long term and yes, you've managed somewhat to keep it up so far and when you are there with them you make a choice to be open, honest and vulnerable, but you need to stop because perhaps, while you are focusing on that group you will not be emotionally or mentally available for a group here where you live." (nice run-on, I know. This is a free-write though!). So, I go back and forth and can justify either way and I don't know what to do and it's very frustrating for me. How do they feel about me still being part of things? I have no idea, really. I wonder if they think "oh, Betsy hanging on way too much and she needs to let go." And then I think that if they are thinking that, that they've never had to move from a group like the SNG Group so they CANNOT POSSIBLY know what it is like. Not many people can, because I really don't think many people have what we had. 11 years of meeting practically on a weekly basis, all in each other's weddings, and at each birth of our kids, at every birthday party for adults or children, spending some holidays together, praying together, laughing together, regular meals together... AND, all the guys get along great and would do their own thing and all the girls got along great and would do their own thing together. When asking Soren who his friends are, he still names the SNG kids as his friends. They are like brothers and sisters to him! That sort of thing is hard to give up! No one else from the group has moved away and so no one really knows how much HARDER a move is as a result of the group. I am convinced that if I did not have the SNG group in my life this move would be easier in a whole lot of ways!

Anyways, if you have an answer to my dilemma, let me know. Not that anyone reads this anymore. Everyone gave up on my blog a long t ime ago!

I've got to get to bed. Went to the doc today for my sinus infection and got meds and he prescribed lots and lots of rest. (yeah right... not this week!). I cannot wait until tomorrow at this time when I begin to feel better and can be pain-free again! It's been way too long!

Thankful tonight that God is faithful and in control and I can trust Him and in His time He will reveal to me the right way. And, wishing I had friends here to talk this over with! Should I bring it up with the SNG group at some point and get their opinion on it? But that's hanging on, isn't it? Probably shouldn't then?

--Betsy