Where's the "ME" in Mommy? Is there "ME" in Mommy?

Yesterday at MoPS we had a speaker who talked about "Finding me in mommy". Basically, not losing our identity in the midst of this mom phase of life. Her premise is that we are more than just a mom.

It was interesting because as she began to speak about the fact that our purpose in life is to be more than a mom, I watched one lady - who I know loves being a mom - furrow her brow, purse her lips and turn her head. I could see it in her eyes and read her thoughts loud and clear "being a mom IS who I am and I don't think it's OK to be anything else but a mom. You are telling me I should be more, and that's not OK."

I totally understand her sentiment... I don't relate well to it, but I can see where she is coming from.

I've been mulling this over - is it OK to want to be more than just a mom? Is it OK to pursue other interests that have to do with "just me" and press towards some of my passions while raising young kids? Is it OK that my passion in life is not necessarily the mom thing? Oh, the guilt that I can get to quickly from that question! (by the way - this is not about my kids or how much I love them or don't love them. Don't read into it like that. I LOVE MY KIDS more than anything on the face of this earth. It is instead about what drives me, my identity and what I am passionate about).

I've got some thoughts - random and jumbled at best. At some point my kids will move on. Not all at once, but it will happen more quickly than I figure. First, they will go to school for several hours a day, then they will become teens with lives that are more and more independent of mine as they begin to drive, make their own decisions, choose girlfriends... and then finally, they leave for college and into their adult life. What about being a mom then? What about the time that will come someday when "mom" is not a full-time job? What will I be left with? Who am I? Right now life is so totally consumed with children as I meet their every need from sun up to sun down (and even during sun down too) that I cannot imagine a life of my own again. A life that will happen in time - first for 6 hours a day and eventually to 24 hours a day.

What do I do with this phase of life? Do I go at is as a phase of life and put everything else on hold while I be a 24/7 mom? Is it OK to pursue other interests or passions or do I lay them aside for later while motherhood completely takes over? If I do, will I forget what my passions are? Once my motherhood days are over will I have to start all over again, like a baby and grow into maturity in my personal interests and passions?

All valid questions. And ones that I want to answer with "do your own thing... it's OK" but then I think that perhaps I'm trying to justify being selfish... and here comes the guilt! Guilt that I am not completely satisfied in life with being "just a mom" but have a drive to do ministry, to organize people and things beyond my boys, to be busy with a career even. I stuff it down. I don't have time for any of that. I'm supposed to be content with my role right now. To be honest though; this has been the hardest phase of life for me to be content. Even being single in my mid-to-late-20's I was more content that I find myself these days. I wonder why and I struggle with it and then feel guilty that I am not content raising my boys and doing just that. It is a daily struggle for me and I wish I had an answer and could wrap up this post nicely. In fact, I wish I could be like that lady who pursed her lips and shook her head -I wish that I felt to the core of my being that "mom" was IT; that this was the end all and that my passions were being fulfilled. Oh, that would be glorious. But, I am not wired that way. In my journey I have found one other person like me; one other who I think to myself "she gets me." Her kids are now grown and she can offer perspective, but of course she lives where I no longer live! I guess it's nice to know there are others out there. Perhaps there are more moms just like me but really it is so taboo to say that being a mom is not totally fulfilling (what if my kids read this post someday?! Think of the psychological damage for them to find out that my world consisted of more than just them!) that no one will talk about it and confess it.

See, no nice wrap-up or anything like that. Just thoughts coming straight from my head and heart and probably magnified at this time of my life because I am home so much. Perhaps I am rediscovering who I am without my friends, ministry and life I had in Salem. And, I'm not sure yet who that is. Although, I had the drive for things beyond mommyhood in Salem too. I FEEL like it's supposed to be "super-mom" but yet that just doesn't fit my bill.

Here's to muddling through each day. Looking to God for strength to make it through and reveal to me in His time not only what my passions are but when to pursue them as well. And, here's to giving my guilt daily to Him and doing the best job I can with raising my boys. My prayer EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for them is this: "Lord, help Soren and Keiton to grow up to be men who desire to do Your will all the days of their life." My role in their life is a major contributor to how they will turn out. I guess having that vision for them long-term can and should determine many of my actions now.